HOT TAKE AS WE ENTER POSSIBLE SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Therapists are not responsible for “no contact”!

by: Chelsea Glover-Jordan, LCSW-C, LICSW

As I casually scrolled through my social media feed, I came across a stitched video of a local news broadcast highlighting the question, are therapists responsible for people going “no contact” with their parents and other “close” family members. Now, coincidentally as a therapist and as a woman who has gone “no contact” with a chosen few family members for various reasons, the take of the original poster peaked my interest. The original poster’s argument was that going to therapy in the Black community has rapidly become a fad, a trend if you will, that constitutes herding the masses of millennials and generations after to not speak with family members for what may perceived as “not that serious” reasons. As a mental health provider, I completely agree that concepts like “narcissism” and “boundaries” may have lost their weight and essentially some meaning as they often pass through the lips of the Black community who seemingly casually do things because its “cool”. I say “seemingly” because when we as individuals make decisions for ourselves, it is not our responsibility to make others feel better or even understand why we move the way we move. The goal in life is self-actualization, becoming aware of who we fully are and aligning our systems and behaviors with that. This includes understanding our values and identity in the most multi-faceted way possible. In the Black community, this is not a rejection of self or culture but a realization that evolution as it relates to culture leave open for interpretation inherited narratives that have historically shaped our culture. Simply put, making it your own (Relation of Racial Identity Attitudes to Self-Actualization and Affective States of Black Students. Parham, Thomas A.; Helms, Janet E. Journal of Counseling Psychology). Whatever that means for you. With that in mind, please know that my version of self-actualization may very well look different from your version, and that is just fine.  Let’s also consider this though: with everything in [Black] American culture, individuals must do their due diligence when deciding whether or not to utilize their free will and self-determination. 

I do agree to an extent that Therapists are the reason why recent generations are going “no contact” however, if considered in the most ethical and moral way, the people (family and/or friends) who created the issues, walked into transgression, betrayal, disrespect, etc. and who either lack accountability or have no capacity to be healthier versions of themselves for them and you, are more responsible for the newfound dynamic. Because therapy has been more widely accepted in the Black community, normalizing its context and what change that comes as a result of it is more apparent. Therapists are not supposed to give you the answers, they are not supposed to tell you what to do and anyone who disagrees, @ me. The role of the therapist is to shine a light on your sense of worth, how you navigate throughout your world, and they ride as a passenger into treatment that allows you to feel the best version of you possible. Therapists are there to help equip you with tools and techniques to regulate better emotionally, to see things objectively so that you as the client are able to connect your emotional self to your logical self while always keeping physical, emotional, and mental safety at the forefront of treatment. Now, if as a result of going to therapy, one realizes that her relative or that “best friend” is not actually who she wants/need in her life to feel self-actualized then we would consider that a much-needed byproduct. But please make no mistakes about it, going directly against the stance the news broadcast was trying to depict, therapists are not responsible for people going “no contact”, toxic people are.

Considering this concept of “no contact” may be felt the most around this time of year. As the cookouts come to an end, kids begin trickling back into the schoolhouse, and the leaves on the trees begin to change colors, the shift that Autumn brings begins to happen. For some, the season shift represents brisk walks, pumpkin spiced flavored everything, comfy hoodies, spending more time indoors with the ones we love which also includes curating memorable experiences for the holidays. On the contrary, for people who have gone “no contact” with some family and/or friends, during this time, they may feel it the most. The assertive one who bravely decided to cease communication with family and friends who are no longer (or never were) aligned with their current values and direction of this season of life may regress into a childlike emotional state that desperately yearns for the physical presence of those who were ex-communicated. Grieving these losses can be exacerbated by the social media posts of others who seem to have it altogether family wise. Loneliness can seep into the crevices of the psyche and can grow the spirit of comparison which feeds envy. Seasonal depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder as it’s clinically called, does not only have to do with the change of the seasons, the shorter days, and the lessened sunlight and warmth. There is also a feeling of emphasis placed on family dynamics or in the case of the “no contact”, the lack thereof. Research has specifically documented Seasonal Affective Disorder more prevalent in the Black community in comparison to White counterparts at a rate of significant disparity (World Journal of Psychiatry). If this time of year often seems difficult for you due to the aforementioned, please consider and remember these things:

1.       Remember why you’re here in the first place. People are who they are and not who we want/expect them to be. It is not up to anybody, including your therapist to share how you were wronged and what weight that holds in your life. That is up to you. What may feel like big conflict or discord to you may not feel so big to the next person. Please don’t allow comparison and what others say you should be doing because “it wasn’t that serious” deter you from protecting your peace and doing what you need to do for you. Remember, you tried to have intentional conversations, you set boundaries, you gave chance after chance, and yet changed behavior was something you were not given. It may feel drastic but if you feel certain relationships contribute to mental and emotional decline, do something about it. Remember your “why”. Hopefully that “why” wholly entails your consideration for you. On the contrary, you may have not had conversations about your concerns, you may have simply noticed a pattern that was so heavy, so unattractive, you decided to remove yourself from a relationship and dynamic altogether. That is okay too. Do not allow anyone to dictate how you move about you and what you choose to accept from others or not. During the time of year where the concept of family is always being highlighted in social media, please understand you chose to distance yourself from people and situations that do not serve you. Just because the seasons change and we hope that people may turn a new leaf during this cozy season, it is in all likelihood that reaching out to them to rekindle will give you the same result you have typically gotten, so DON’T!

2.       Tabula Rasa- This means “blank slate” in Latin, something that has been wiped clean so something new can be written (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, John Locke). Someone creating a new life, requires creating new rules and narrative. It’s okay to redefine your own narrative with new traditions, memories, and values. What do you think evolution is? In the context of generations, evolution highlights changed behavior, unlearning concepts and culture that are no longer applicable, no longer working in the context of the present day. Present day is a reflection of a mass calling to healthier versions of self in the Black community. This includes calling out abuse, no longer upholding “what happens in this house, stays in this house” and doing things that align with the lives we genuinely want to live. Naturally, when we dispel old narratives, people become uncomfortable including the ones dispelling the narratives. But we must consider what’s on the other side of that discomfort, possible actualization, peace, and healthy living in all facets. Going “no contact” with people who do not align with you, who do not respect your boundaries, and who continue to perpetuate narratives that in most standards would be considered disrespectful if it were not for blood ties, is an opportunity for you to reimagine and essentially create your own tribe of family and friends that uphold reciprocity and the evolution of healing. Allow the “no contact” to drive you into the light even though you may have come from dark times within those relationships. It should not be weaponized yet utilized for self-actualization.

3.       The months will continue as they do every year with life. You will be back outside soon enough with your friends, at the cookouts and getting your vitamin D from the sun, and dopamine from the people and relationships that exemplify respect, love, and reciprocity. Take this “down” time to pour into yourself and to continue to evolve in your healing journey.

So, to that journalist who asserts that therapists are in fact responsible for recent generations going “no contact” with family members, I would say that is not accurate at all. I would say that therapists are responsible for shinning a light on what it means for clients to feel worthy of more than what they have been given especially if it does/has not served them in any facet. At some point, we all have to take accountability for our own healing and contrarily, at times our own demise.

#3RoadsTherapy #FamiliesGoingNoContact #Therapy #NoContact #BlackFamilies