Black Women, Stop Being Duplicitous!

by: Chelsea Glover-Jordan, LCSW-C, LICSW

History has told Black women decade after decade that being duplicitous is accepted; in fact, it’s encouraged. Living a life of duplicity supports one notion but negates another. It indirectly appeases a system that has historically wanted to oppress everything surrounding the Black woman culture. As a Black woman therapist, I support many Black women in the DMV area. Now, if you’ve ever been here, you know that DC has historically been coined “Chocolate City,” Southern Maryland currently houses some of the wealthiest Black families in the area, and Northern Virginia is a suburb of Washington, DC, where Black families have settled close enough to the city for its perks, but bumper-to-bumper traffic heading out of Georgetown doesn’t have to be a part of their daily commutes. Some would say a lot of the DMV is ravished with Black affluent families that either came from meager means and “got it out the mud” or have fortunately been products of generational wealth and investment. Many of my clients are Black women who hold high positions, who make a lot of money, who, in today’s society, are considered the “okay Blacks.” What the outward appearance of these Black women don’t show is their personal and at-home lives. The lives where colloquialisms don’t need to be strategically formulated for presentation, where changing their hair every other week is normal, and using a little Ebonics is nowhere near an indicator of the uneducated. The clients I serve often struggle with microaggressions on Capitol Hill and at their federal government jobs. They struggle with not wanting to, but feeling like they have to, fit in this constructed box of straight, neutral-colored hair and deaf-toned two-piece suits that almost always go against their most authentic weekend and at-home selves’ sense of fashion and colorful expression. Living in what was once felt to be a Black oasis for Black women, living in the DMV has subtly and suspiciously shape-shifted to conform to policies dictated to us by the current administration, public opinions, and our own personal doubts and biases. This essentially then leads to duplicity. According to the Oxford Dictionary, duplicity is “deceitfulness; double-dealing.” As a Black woman who serves and “sees” other Black women, and who primarily lives as a Black woman, I can, without a shadow of a doubt, assert that Black women, at the most personal inopportune times, feel inclined to live in a duplicitous gray area to appease the likeness of vanilla culture.

-Being a strong Black woman isn’t a compliment…. it’s being a robot

At the end of any given year, I see social media posts of women saying that they pray to God to make sure He doesn’t put them on the “strong list.” We may chuckle at the notion, but there is some truth and logic to it. In the past, being a strong Black woman has been carried as a badge of honor, a smoke signal to all who see us that “I got it,” “I got that one too,” put this on my plate and “I’ll manage that too.” Being all to everyone and everything and close to nothing or crumbs to ourselves is not honorary, especially as a Black woman. In order to dispel this narrative, Black women must honor not only their strength but also their struggle and vulnerability. We have to present in a less duplicitous way that acknowledges all our facets without shame. Why do we feel the need to have it all together and not feel comfortable enough to melt in the arms of despair while asking for help? I am here to affirm that you don’t always have to present one way and feel and think another. It’s okay to bring your whole self to the office, to the cookout, and to Capitol Hill. Yes, some would agree that Black women showing vulnerability can feel disarming for them, but trust me, sis, your inherent ability, beauty, and know-how will never be disarmed simply because of who you are. Trust that you have already been equipped with the things you need to be in the rooms you want to be in. You can be soft sometimes, you can ask questions, and you can authentically and Blackly stand and speak in those vanilla rooms.

-Being performative is exhausting

No tassels, bells, and whistles. Being performative and duplicitous is exhausting. It’s no different from having to keep up with and remember a lie to move to the next lie. You perform at work, you perform in public, and then when you get home, you’re so tired you can’t even be the best version of your authentic self because you’re trying to replenish what the outside world has depleted. According to Ashley K. Parks at the NIH, “The Strong Black Woman (SBW) schema is described as a statue of unrelenting strength, resilience, and self-sufficiency, serving as a shield of protection and cultural adaptation to suppress and control manifestations of racial and gender oppression.” That doesn’t sound too pleasant, does it?

-Duplicity weakens movement and growth

In God Is a Black Woman, written by Christena Cleveland, she says, “I severed my head from my body. No pain, no need.” She further goes on to say how she metaphorically decapitated herself so that innately there would be no connection between her thoughts/logic and her emotions/heart. In order to conform to the expectations of the systems she wanted to take advantage of, she had to strategically disconnect her brain from her emotions. She had to “be” one way while feeling another. The two could never meet in these systems for fear of judgment, retaliation, and public shaming and humiliation. When she lived this version of self, there was very little harmony within her. Certain things, conversations, and behaviors had to be picked apart and carefully scrutinized for presentation. It had to meet a standard that felt acceptable and less uproaring for the receiving audience (systems and mainstream America). This essentially dims the light of the performer. It chips away from authenticity, making the product watered down and manufactured. Yes, it may drive the goals, but it continues to break down and weaken personal growth. The type of growth that essentially makes a person who they are. The same growth that lends to the systems that reach back down to oppress certain parts of the Black woman. What a vicious cycle for the Black woman to give, give, give, instead of give and take. What I try to help my clients who struggle in this area understand is that they need to fight for their credit, their hard work, and all the facets that begot the finished product for the systems they work for. They should honor their minds and their hearts, exude the elements of each while in Black spaces, White spaces, spaces in general, so they continue to work for owned personal movement and growth. There should be no duplicity!

As a Black woman, I am challenging you to take inventory of your life and note ways in which you are evoking narratives that go against your authentic self. Although certain places call for certain presentations of self, what areas can I show up more authentically in order to align better with a nonperforming, non-duplicitous life?

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