"According to the Survey Center on American Life, 53% of Black Americans who grew up with siblings reported feeling very close to them." What about the other half though? Have you ever considered your experiences in comparison to your sibling’s experiences? Have you ever considered that although you may have grown up in the same home, with the same parents, and seemingly the same set of experiences, reality from sibling to sibling may vary? It was not until I became an adult and wrote my very first memoir that I realize that even though I have 3 sisters, who have the same parents as me, and who lived similar experiences, reality shifted from child to child. While in therapy myself, I was also able to understand the power of perspective and that more than one thing can be true at the same time. In penning my first memoir, a labor of love that detailed my journey into motherhood, I had no choice but to reflect on my own childhood experiences that undoubtedly brought me to this point of my life. In doing so, I was able to intentionally reflect on occurrences that have molded me into this version of me, how I think, how external factors impact me, and how I see others moving about in my story. Unintentionally, I was able to bring awareness to my sibling’s experiences and how although on the surface, we all shared very similar experiences, the interpretation from child to child was very unique. I surmised that this notion can contribute to the possible sibling rivalry and/or discord that is not atypical in the black household.
Think about it. At some point, there is the likelihood that there has been conflict between you and your sibling for whatever reason. I mean, that is simply a part of the human experience, conflict. What matters most is how you navigate through that conflict. There is definitely something to be highlighted about conflict between siblings though. It seems to be deeply rooted in possible childhood trauma, resentment, parental influence, and dare I say it…jealousy. Consider your relationships with your own siblings. Do they vary from sibling to sibling? Do the different relationships serve varying purposes for you? Nine times out of ten, the answers to these questions are “yes”. It was not until I began my own therapy journey that I realized although my siblings and I carry different interpretations of similar experiences into these versions of us, in most ways, we are all justified in how we respond to the rest of the world. Is there something you can be doing differently to connect deeper with your siblings? Do you need to set different boundaries or have intentional conversations about unhealed emotional wounds?
Historically in the black community, things were “swept under the rug”. In efforts to not dredge up the past, to not bring blame and shame to the family name, discord and conflict, trauma has only begun to be recently exposed and discussed. Black adults who obviously were once children are becoming aware of the power their voice has in exposing trauma and detrimental family secrets. This is a movement that releases people from their emotional turmoil and holds accountable those who were/are responsible. Inadvertently, this can be one of the many keys that unlocks the answer to creating more harmonious and loving relationships amongst siblings. I will never not share a plug for therapy, and this is that. Therapy helped me realize that varying versions of our childhood are all valid amongst my siblings and I. Creating a safe space to discuss and to more importantly understand and accept those versions is important to the dismantling of generational trauma and the rebuilding of mutually respectful and loving ones.
If you are currently experiencing conflict with your sibling(s) and the situation seems bleak, please process with your therapist. Try to get to the root of where the conflict may stem from. Start there and bring awareness to what you may be able to do to address current issues even if the “fix” seems insurmountable. Consider the other person’s perspective as being their reality as you would do your own perspective. Having an open mind in this space allows for understanding and care of other people's emotions and experience, namely your siblings. The least you can do for yourself is understand pieces of you that make up the whole. This most certainly includes familial dynamics that do not reflect closeness and the dynamics that most siblings would desire to have with one another. In doing so, you may be able to break cycles and perpetuate a healthier narrative for the family you create compared to the family you were born into.
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