What Makes People Want to Show Up for Other People?

by: Chelsea Glover-Jordan

I would imagine that for as long as humanity has existed, relationships and connectedness have always been essential. They are a means of creating meaning while contributing to the journey toward self-actualization. As a therapist and, more importantly, as a person, I know that people need people. Not in the literal sense that we would die without connection, but in the very real emotional and mental sense that, without connection, we begin to deteriorate. That’s the human experience.

When people feel a sense of connection and belonging, they are able to thrive. They are more likely to be motivated, set and achieve goals, and feel a sense of purpose. But what happens when people don’t feel that others are showing up for them? How does that impact their sense of self and their potential to feel important in the lives of others?

Because I am a therapist, and again, more importantly, a human being, I understand that feeling prioritized matters. When someone consistently experiences what feels like disregard for their interests, milestones, or special moments, they may begin to question their own worth. This is a dangerous foundation on which to base your self-worth because it’s also part of the human experience to fall short of others’ expectations. The truth is, we don’t all share the same values, beliefs, availability, lifestyles, or financial means. Because of these and other factors, disappointing others, or being disappointed, is a near inevitability.

Understanding this truth is crucial for moving forward in a healthy way. When we fully accept that people are simply being who they are, we can begin to manage our expectations of them more realistically. It becomes easier to see that other people’s priorities may not align with our own. This doesn’t mean we should accept all behavior without boundaries, it means we need to meet people where they are. It is unreasonable to expect others to do exactly what we would do in any given situation. After all, individuality is what gives life its richness and diversity. Seeing the world through others’ perspectives, while holding space for our own, helps bridge the gap between expectation and reality.

It is possible for multiple truths to exist at the same time. Your perspective is valid, and so is theirs. This duality can be difficult to accept but is fundamental to emotional growth and relationship stability.

I often speak with my clients about aligning their behaviors and expectations with who they are at their core. Managing your expectations of others is actually a way of showing up for yourself. It promotes alignment between what you feel and what you logically know to be true. In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), we understand that when we begin to shift and reframe our thinking, our behaviors often follow, leading to improved emotional regulation. This process is key to shifting how we interpret others’ ability (or inability) to show up for us.

Put simply: we must begin to expect people to be who they are, not who we want them to be. It’s not a secret, and it may be easier than you think, especially once you become aware that it’s even a “thing.” Here are a few ways to be intentional about managing your expectations of others so that it lessens the emotional toll on your sense of worth and importance:

1. Align yourself with people who reflect your core values and beliefs.

Surrounding yourself with people who share your values increases the likelihood that your expectations will naturally align. These relationships often require less emotional labor to maintain because there’s already an inherent understanding of what matters most. Shared values create a stronger foundation for mutual support, empathy, and respect. This doesn’t mean total agreement, but it does foster environments where being seen and heard is likely.

2. Continuously evaluate what relationships are meaningful to you, even family members.

Relationships are fluid, and it’s important to check in with yourself about who is contributing to your well-being. Just because a relationship is long-standing or rooted in blood doesn’t mean it’s inherently healthy or beneficial. Ask yourself whether the relationship still meets your emotional needs or if it causes more harm than healing. Give yourself permission to create distance or redefine boundaries when necessary.

3. Become more aware of irrational thoughts and cognitive distortions.

Start noticing when your mind jumps to conclusions, assumes the worst, or creates "should" statements. These patterns can distort your perception of reality and fuel disappointment. When you can pause and examine your thoughts with curiosity instead of judgment, you create room for understanding. This awareness allows you to consider others’ realities and adjust your expectations accordingly, which is a powerful step toward emotional resilience.

As a therapist, I encourage clients to hold space for both their emotional truth and the complexity of others. Expecting people to be who they are, rather than who we hope they will be, can feel like a loss initially, but ultimately, it's a profound act of self-care. It fosters clarity, reduces resentment, and creates a stronger internal compass. We show up for ourselves by setting expectations that are realistic and grounded in understanding. When we do this, we protect our peace, nurture our self-worth, and create more authentic connections.

#BuildingRelationships #Therapy #SocialSkills #MentalHealthTherapy