by: Chelsea Glover-Jordan, LCSW-C, LICSW
There seems to be very little conversation about grieving the loss of your child when they are still physically here on Earth. Let me provide some clarity. I have a 14 almost 15-year-old soon who is a freshman in high school. Every single year, the first day of school we celebrate. This last first day of school was a bit different though. I felt so many conflicting emotions and thoughts. I was happy that my son was embarking on his high school career, bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to unlock new worlds of a teenage social life. On the first day of school though, I cried because I felt sad. Like I always do with emotions I am not initially able to make sense of, I sat and processed with my own therapist and then I journaled. After many tears, reflections, and revelations, I realized I was grieving the loss of my son. I was grieving the loss of the capacity I would no longer have to fill for him in the very soon upcoming years. I was grieving him being solely sufficient on me as he prepared to go into the world not “alone”, but yes…alone.
How many of you have teenagers who you are happy that they are sufficient within the bounds of your care, but you often think about what life’s “normal” will bring you once society calls them an adult at 18 years old? It kind of becomes real then. Not to mention the agency a budding 18-year-old aspires to have over their own lives and decisions. Let’s face it, the transition is inevitable and we as mothers have to either acclimate or we will struggle with the new roles we are forced to play in our young adult’s lives. As I continue to process this newly stepped into role and the transition of my child becoming a young adult, a few things have helped me gain clarity and have brought me comfort.
1. Intentional time- I have always made it an intentional goal to spend quality time with my son. Going to the movies is our thing. I have vowed to take him on a movie date at least once a month because that’s our time to sit in mindless activity while loving on each other. I hope this is a core memory for him, but you never know. I encourage you all to try to be more intentional with creating traditions that may become core memories for your babies, ones that they will always talk about, appreciate, and hopefully continue in some capacity after they become adults. Also, remember the time you have them as a “child” is not long and even when you feel tired, do the “thing”. You will thank yourself later for getting on that floor to play blocks with them or taking them to the ice cream shop even if you are dead dog tired after a long day of work. Your memories and your children will thank you later [in some capacity] for it.
2. When they “annoy” you, let them! - My son has a habit of randomly coming into my room at the end of the work and school day and just nitpicking with me. He will come in to tell me random stories about what happened at school and even the latest social media gossip with his favorite influences and stars (that I could not care less about). When your children want to be around you, especially as teenagers, that means they not only love you, but they like you. This means they feel safe and comfortable around you and although they are not explicitly saying this, their behaviors will definitely tell you. This is also a testament to who you are to them as a mother. Allowing them into your space when they just want to simply “shoot the sh*t” is actually them developmentally transitioning the relationship from a mother-child one to a mother-child relationship with some friendship added in there. Enjoy and bask in the times they intentionally want to spend with you.
3. Pay attention to the subtle acts- We all know being a mother can be a thankless job. It is an endless job and even when no one is paying attention, we are doing the job. Our little people won’t always have the capacity to tell us how much of a great job we’re doing or when they appreciate us, but their behaviors and indirect words will surely tell us. It is important that we que in on these validating messages from our children. This can be a random hug seemingly out of the blue from our child, them coming to “randomly” lay on us, or them saying things like seemingly random “thank yous” and “I love yous”. These things are not happening by accident. These occurrences are reiterations of who we are to them and how they see us possibly for the rest of our lives. Hone into that and own what is rightfully yours, the validation from your little person that you are enough and that you are a vital part of their lives.
4. Process- I hope this goes without saying, but I’m still going to say it just in case:
Go to Therapy!
The journey of raising a child is filled with moments of growth, change, and sometimes even grief, especially as we witness their transition from childhood to young adulthood. The conflicting emotions that arise as we realize our children are becoming more independent can be overwhelming, but these moments also offer us a chance to celebrate the relationships we’ve built. By being intentional with our time, embracing the small, seemingly insignificant moments, and paying attention to their subtle signs of love, we can navigate this transition with grace and confidence. Processing our feelings, whether through therapy or self-reflection, is crucial in ensuring we embrace our new role and continue to support our children in ways that reflect the bond we’ve worked so hard to nurture. This journey, though difficult, is also one of immense beauty, and as we adapt, we can take pride in knowing that we are part of their foundation, no matter how much they begin to stand on their own.
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